GODZILLARATING!Jamus Provenzanus XIX 2002
Speed skater Derrick Parra just thanked Home Depot and Jesus Christ for helping him win.
It makes me wanna buy some nails.
Why? Home Depot refuses to follow the San Francisco law requiring compliance with domestic partnership benefits.
They're also employers of dozens of Olympic medalists and hundreds of wannabes, which is fine. Just don't force your hets-only agenda on my kitchen cabinets.
They're very moral, those jocks and judges et al. This is without a doubt the most moral of Olympics.
That is, if you forget the Apolo Ohno fix; the colluding skating judges; an over two year history of bribes, including first class airline tickets, gold jewelry, $4,000 dinners at Le Cirque, and nepotistic choices in torch-bearers.
This slightly taints the latest wholesome victory in curling, or the triple medal sweep in halfpipe (snowboarding in a giant ice ramp), a sport we had to make up so the US wouldn't be wiped out by Swedes in every other category. Only in America could medals be awarded to a sport that's banned on most other slopes.
Was pairs skating a complete ripoff? Well, Duh. The Canadian couple was beyond perfect, and yet the sloppy Russkies got the gold, due to the bias of the zombified Commie leftovers in the judges corral.
Revenge is best served cold (war), but these freaks have been gnawing on leftovers a bit too long.
GOD HATES LUGEThe prospect of any fuschia-tights-clad jock mentioning his or her domestic partner are about as probable as a non-Russian winning in pairs skating.
This hasn't deterred the freaks from Phelpsiana, who are only one of the many rotating protest groups corralled into the sign-waving bin far away from the Olympic Village. Apprarently, GOD HATES FAGS who speedskate, too.
Demented hate-monger Margie Phelps held a sign that read, UNITED YOU'LL FALL.
Is this a prediction of god's wrath on airlines, or people who trip on their skis?
But while Mormons may be a bit more reserved in homophobic judgement and sexual themes -this week at least- humping plushys seem to have completely taken over the entertainment segment of the festival. Ewoks on Ice!
Not that a paid ringside ticket guarantees visibility or entry to the Medal Wars. At the sold out figure skating event, it was only half full for the first hour, because anal retentive security guards kept paid attendees waiting in freezing temperatures. Rent-a-cops dissected pens, chewing gum was confiscated, credit cards were inspected (for secret microchip weapons to be used as part of Yemenese terrorists acts which sprung fully armed from the vast imagination of ourleaders).
According to NBC feelgood infotainers, since nothing has happened, it's all worth the millions of security dollars you paid for. But if you live in San Francisco and didn't have cable, you couldn't watch what you paid for.
You think my reporting's weird?
David Icke, a former sports writer for the United Kingdom, has some interesting perspectives about why the mysterious city of Salt Lake won the Olympics bid.
Icke puts together all the conspiracy theories ever into one gigantic, amusing, strange web site full of fun. It's like diving into an Escher print of every "X Files" episode. A lot of it centers around - you guessed it - Salt Lake City.
Basically, the Icke theologist says the entire world is controlled by secret cabals like the Illuminati, Trilateral Commission, the Freemasons, Mormons, and alien reptiles who built a link of tunnels leading from Area 51 to the basement of the Tabernacle Choir's practice room.
Icke says the latest "alleged terrorist threat" is part of the conspiracy of creating crisis in order to force a totalitarian regime over the planet, where human sacrifices will become a regular event. (Can we start with Ken Lay?) The more acclimated we become to horrific events, combined with Arnold-ified fictive versions, the easier the takeover of our gullible minds.
Oh, and Icke claims that the Mormons are even more whacked out than Scientologists, and this whole Christianity thing is a ripoff.
Apparently, George Bush is descended from a secret Skull & Bones cabal of reptilian aliens, and their bloodline goes all the way back to some nasty Roman emporer named Piso who made up the Jesus story from the life of Apollonius of Tyana.
Which takes us back to Apolo Ohno. Close enough.
Or, this is just one of about a dozen* other pre-Christian stories about guys who did pretty much the same things as Jesus did;
performed miracles, born on dec 25, 12 disciples (Horus of Egypt),
hung out with radicals, walked on water (Buddha, snowboarders)
suffered for man (Prometheus,)
buried in a tomb, rose again (Mithra)
raised with carpenters (Krishna, Jesus)
... which takes us back to Home Depot.