Governor Jesse The Body Ventura
by Jim Provenzano

(transcript from an introductory speech at a re-election party, November, 2002)

Ladies, gentlemen and others,

It is with great pride that we celebrate the second term of Jesse “The Mind” Ventura as governor of the great state of Minnesota.

When the people of this state elected a former professional wrestler, they cast a ballot for a change in government, a change in democracy, and a change in wardrobe.

The state of Minnesota, once known for its dairy industry and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, can now boast years of illustrious and festive law-making. Governor Ventura’s recent bill, making lizard skin boots allowable garb for civil service workers, further exemplifies his focus on the rights of the style-challenged. He also solved one of our diverse transportation needs with the addition of state-wide Special Harley Parking.

True, there were dark moments in his first term.  The incident of the headlock the governor employed upon a Republican opponent stemmed from a misunderstanding. Governor Ventura apologized profusely, and paid all hospital bills.

And it was his own campaign manager, Lex Luger, who explained that when chairing a committee, he did not have the right to throw that chair.

Governor Ventura also suffered several setbacks in his Reform Party tenure. The failure of his “pay-per-view” elections drew harsh critique, despite the support of newly elected statesmen Bill Goldberg, Sting and Rick Flair.

And while the “Joystick Justice Interactive Videogame and People’s Court” concept did result in a few unwarranted incidences of violence, it did serve as a tool for bringing our state’s youth into the fold of civics.

Let us look instead to the diverse accomplishments this unique administration has brought to the Midwest.

The legalization of prostitution has brought over ten million dollars annually into our coffers. The Ravishing Rick Rude House of Pleasure alone brought in over a million dollars in direct funding of safe sex education for our state’s youth.  Several studies have shown a lowering of divorce rates, and in particular resulted in a lowering of unwanted pregnancies.

Tights and feather boa Fridays have reached an all-time high in popularity, producing a new cottage industry here in Minnesota.

Declaring May 31 to be a statewide Celebration of Baldness brought newly-won pride and self-esteem to the follicly-challenged.

Employing his previous acting experience, the Governor brought new business into the state by starring in “Predator IV: the Great Lakes Hunt.” The unfortunate incident of the monster truck careening through the governor’s mansion also brought new construction jobs to our great state.

Governor Ventura, despite being married with two children, incurred rumors of his possibile homosexuality when he repeatedly put forth legislation that would recognize lesbian and gay marriages.  Ignoring criticism and the hate-filled rhetoric of Christian fundamentalists, he proceeded to preside at the wedding of fellow pro wrestlers Stevie “the Stud” Slotnik and Ray “the Wrist” Wrangler.

Shining - or perhaps glistening would be a more accurate term -
in the face of controversy, the Governor continued his support for alternative communities at the Team Minnesota send-off benefit party for Gay Games VI in 2002, when he performed at the Jock Strap Oil Wrestling Tournament, and I might add, was undefeated. The commemorative video continues to reap a high profit, thus funding efforts to help out gay athletic youth statewide.

But it was his Navy SEAL training that further showed his worthiness as an elected official and hero.  Who can forget his daring rescue of seven infants from the Alternative Family Daycare Center bombing, in which he not only saved lives, but was able to knock off  twenty-three Phelpsian terrorists with a single round of an Uzi, thus proving that his enhanced gun freedom laws not only save lives, but economize the burdens of the criminal justice system!

Affirming the words of then-President Clinton, who offered his thoughts on Ventura's 1998 election: ''I think that you're going to have a lot of politicians spending time in gyms now,'' truly, the physical health of our elected officials has improved greatly. In fact, a great many can now perform a piledriver with stunning accuracy.

However, Governor Ventura takes no responsibility for the incident in Congress in which two elected officials engaged in an unsanctioned bout, particularly without a referee.

But moreover, his influence has brought our state, and in turn, our country, to a more physically aware condition, combining mind and body. Minnesota will never be the same, and it only makes sense that we continue our efforts to have it renamed “The Action State.”

Thank you. And now, I give you, our governor, Jesse - Mind, Body, and Spirit - Ventura!!!

(thunderous applause)